The Gift Of Art

I was trying
To remember,
What do I like?
Do I have a favorite
Color which has
Not yet been seen?
Is there an unknown
Flavor that is
Especially pleasant?
Is there a beverage,
Untasted, which
Is my favorite?
What activities
Would I pursue
If I had my druthers?
I know that I dream
To live everywhere
That I have visited,
And I want to visit,
And live in,
The rest of this World.
It will require many
Lifetimes to live
That many possibilities.
I wanted to follow
All of the potentials.
But always the fateful
Coins told me:
Do not climb the
High mountain.
Do not cross the
Wide Ocean.
Be virtuous and
All will be well.
But I have climbed a few
High mountains, anyway.
And, I have even crossed
The Widest Ocean.
Everywhere I have been
Was the most beautiful
Place on Earth.
All of the people
Were the most
And kindest
People on Earth.
Except for a few, here
And there, el pimiento.
When I was very young,
In my fantasies,
I was a nomad artist,
Poet, novelist, musician,
Weaver, artisan,
And I danced with
The Moon, and the Stars,
And with Trees, and with
Rivers, and Waterfalls, and
In Oceans, and in Lakes,
And clear crystal Springs.
I danced all around
The Mountains, the Gorgeous
Dry Mountains, and Green Verdant Mountains,
And Snowy Sky Mountains,
And Rocky Mountains,
And I danced in Valleys, and
Homes, and Gardens, and Fields,
And all across the Earth,
And always I danced in
The Hearts of my Lovers.
And now,
As a much
Older Woman,
As Agawela,
I dream
The same.
I wish
To revisit
Where I have
Been already
Or live
Another life
This life
I have already
Lived. I wish
For more life.
How can there be
More life than life?
It is that
Fernweh again.
Away. Away.
I wish I were away.
And then away from
That place, too.
The Gift of Art,
Is that it is possible.
Bear …10.28.2014





In a fit of pique,
That lasted
From her birth
Until her death,
My mother destroyed
All of the affection,
All of the care,
All of the reminders,
Of her despair, 
That she could find.
She destroyed much else.
Those few bits of herself
And her love
That survived,
Did so by being
And so,
Lost to her grasp.
I was not real,
Only a representation
Of failed dreams.
I was not real,
Only an unredeemable
Wasted effort.   
When I have
Seen the odd surviving
Image of myself,
I am amazed. 
I was not ugly
As I remember myself, 
Long ago.
As I danced
I could dance
Beauty into being.
I would generate an
Aura of Beauty
That deceived everyone.
Anyone who saw this
Dancing illusion 
Would believe that Beauty
Existed and I could
Hide my essential
Inescapable ugliness
Within that beautiful illusion.
I danced a magic spell
To mesmerize all judgment.
I did not recognize
My Self
As my own illusion.
Bear  01.01.2014

a bit from my youth and a song that reminded me

I saw this video with the Civil Wars song The One that Got Away,  which took me back to a certain period in my youth when I lived out of a back pack, and did indeed hop trains.  The trains were in Canada, I hitch-hiked In the USA.  My own experiences were  somewhat different from this girl’s, yet essentially  similar.  I thought to share a little of that time.

I had some different items that I carried about and used.   I had a sleeping bag,  a small pot, teaspoon, and cooking spoon, toothbrush, paper, pencils, pens.  wet stone , pocket knife, scissors and large eye needles and crochet  thread, hat, matches, canteen with clean water, and extra water bottle inside backpack. And an easily assessable, very sharp, hatchet attached to exterior of my back pack. Wash cloth and small hand towel.  5 or 6 clean bandannas.  Clean bandannas make an excellent first aid kit.  Useful for everything.  Long-Johns and a light jacket. 2pr Navy surplus work jeans, and 2 Navy surplus chambray work shirts.  Long sleeves, as there are mosquitoes everywhere. 5 or 6 pairs of good socks  4 set of my style, at that time,  undies, and I wore a pair of boys work boots rather than hiking boots.  At that time they were cheaper, lasted longer, better traction, came up higher over my ankles,  and had  room for two pairs of thick socks.

For food, and I never ran out, even though I shared ???? dunno how :  beef  bullion cubes, tea, brown rice, salt, pepper, garlic, usually some honey or sugar for the tea, and vitamins.   Sometimes canned salmon or mackerel.  Additionally I had rocks in the bottom of my pack (souvenirs and keep sakes) and some books. Oh and a ground-cloth tarp which doubled as rain cover the back pack and gear.

Not once did I ever have such a big fire, as depicted in the movie clip.  Even with company.  And I didn’t flirt with strangers.  My purpose (yes I had a purpose) was to take in as much scenery and wonderfulness as possible before it was no longer possible for me.  I was blessed.

I’m not so sure such a independent life could be lived now.  Not the (relatively speaking) care free, wild, and happily peaceful (with notable exceptions)  time that I had.  I wanted to stay everywhere.  Everywhere was beautiful. I did encounter fear, evil, and danger.  But more prevalent was beauty and goodness.   Beautiful families of many ethnic backgrounds offered to “adopt” me.

This was such an  entirely different part of my life that I seldom think or speak of it.  This little film clip and wonderful song brought a flood of memories.

I used that crochet thread to decorate my jacket and shirts and mend and decorate my backpack.  I still have the backpack.  Maybe I shall blog about this again. And picture that back pack that has traveled so many thousands of miles.

Civil Wars   The One that Got Away

Music video by The Civil Wars performing The One That Got Away. (c) 2013 sensibility recordings LLC, under exclusive license to Columbia Records, a division of Sony Music Entertainment

This from the comments  AR is Arkansas  :

Hi I am the GurL in the video Claud_Davila (Claudia Davila) I read all the comments and Wow 🙂 thank u for all the positivity This is a Great Band and I am so Lucky to be in there video, it was shot as a film, not ur typical MV Tom Haines as the Director!!!! It was a huge production so many amazing people worked on this non stop 24hr 2wks or more, I came on towards the end 5 days to shot the whole thing, a lot went into this! it was shot in various places in Beautiful AR 🙂