Tag Archives: Self

Agawela In August

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Agawela in August ⓒBearspawprint2016

Agawela in August ⓒBearspawprint2016

 

 

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Nothing, Etc.

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Gone
Gone
Nothing gone
My idea of myself as helpful
Gone
My idea of myself as worthwhile
Gone
My idea of myself as loveable
Gone
My idea of my own value
Gone
My idea of my self as wanted
Gone
My idea of the value of what I do
Gone
.
I have human value to you
Only if I do
What you do not want to do
When you do not want to do it
Unobtrusively, discreetly, and
I if do not mention anything
Except perhaps things
Of your personal interest
You call that being loving
I am Nothingness
Nothing self
Nothing value
Nothing
.
And if I remain available to do
What you do not want to do
When you do not want to do it
Unobtrusively, discreetly, and
I do not mention it
You call that being loving
Nothing comfort
Nothing helpful
Nothing
.
If I am unavailable it is because
I am irresponsible
I have abandoned you in your need
I am negligent
But if I am available then
I am offensive
Obnoxious
Intrusive
If I touch you I am
Hovering
Bothersome
Irksome
Unwanted
.
What I have become is
Selfish to think at all
Selfish to notice I feel
Do I feel
Am I nothing
Am I gone
.
Nothing gone
Nothing mind
Nothing love
Nothing desire
Nothing humble
Nothing ideas
Nothing opinions
Nothing forever
Nothing lost
Nothing together
Nothing honor
Nothing
Nothing
Nothing body
Nothing duty
Nothing selfish
Nothing useless
I am Nothing
You are Nothing
All is Nothing
Nothing together is gone
Nothing
All
All One
Worthless and valuable
Rejected and merged
All One
Nothing
Nothing
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If only ……
Oops!
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Start over….
Nothing
Nothing, etc.
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Bear … 02.12.2014

ⓒ Bearspawprint
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HOW DOES ONE BREATHE WITHOUT BREATH?

 

I have had similar problems before, but only viewed them as a mere physical dilemma, not a Cosmic Joke.

I choked on my own saliva and my throat spasmed entirely shut AFTER the outbreath.  Trying to breathe in with a vacuum below the constricted area only tightened the constriction.  It took me a full minute plus a few seconds to figure out what to do and how to do it.  I could not do anything to stimulate the Vegas nerve ’cause not enough air in the right place.  Couldn’t panic or let my fury at this betrayal of myself take over as then the adrenals would just make the cramping worse and also make me try to breathe in, and make me use up the oxygen I did have more quickly.  I’ve had other nerve generated spams and I cannot always consciously relax them, though I do try … I do not ever stop with this effort.   In this situation it was necessary to  wait until the spasm relaxed in order to breath in.  There was still some air in the bottom of my lungs which was turning to CO2, but enough for 2 or 3 minutes.

 

I had to give up breathing in order to breathe.  How damn irritatingly ZEN is that?  My own personal koan.

HOW DOES ONE BREATHE WITOUT BREATH?

 

Not a lesson I really want to learn.     I was formulating  a (most unpleasant) Plan B  when  The Creator finally laughed.