Tag Archives: chronic pain

A Kindness

.
.
While
Waiting
For your
Shunning,
To be
No more,
Against
The pain,
I closed
My eyes.
Was it a
Novelty of
Kindness
That spoke
Goodnight,
Your whisper
A warning?
Without
Touching
My face,
You gently
Removed
My reading
Glasses.
When I
Opened
My eyes,
My arms,
You turned
Away.
Trapped
In awareness,
Alone,
Grounded
In reality,
I weep,
And I wail.
My arms,
My body,
My heart,
Enfolding
The space
Where your
Warmth is
Imagined.
I hear
The click,
Again,
And again,
And again,
As pretending
Not to be
Aware that
I am awake,
You firmly
Shut the
Shunning door.
.
.
Agawela Bear…07.03.2016
ⓒBearspawprint2016

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12. Conversations With Bump Onna Log

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BUMP ONNA LOG: … (talking to family member on home telephone, when Bear enters room, he says with a  loud overriding voice)  She is standing here, so SHE MUST FEEL PRETTY DAMN GOOD!
.
BUMP ONNA LOG:  Oh I can just tell, you can take my word for it.  I don’t need to ask her.
.
.

Bear … 06.09.2015
ⓒBearspawprint2015

BUMP ONNA LOG

The Wind Has Stopped

.
.
My breath is
Poisoned darkness.
.
The wind has stopped.
I do not fly nor fall.
.
I am suspended,
Writhing in ceramic wool.
.
Anguish blanks
My reason.
.
My song screams fury
And endless pain.
.
I cannot forgive
The guiltless.
.
I swallow fear.
I swallow lightening.
.
.
Bear … 06.06.2015
ⓒBearspawprint2015

It Is Enough

.
.
In weary pain,
I wake from
No sleep.
.
My body
Weeping
Cold sweat,
Silent, through
Screaming pores.
.
Grey dawn mists
Slowly drift
Revealing only
More pain.
.
The night’s
Sleepless
Horrors
Are to be worn
Beneath my skin,
Wild with mad
Gyrating cilia.
.
In my little
Corner room,
Insulated
With books
I vainly try
To quit my
Groans and cries.
.
If I relax
This tension
Forcing movement,
I shall fall back
Into  the wailing
Maelstrom
Of agonies,
Which is the
Night I carry
As flesh.
.
There is no one
To hear,
But the dogs,
Always listening
With heart, hear me,
And whimper.
I force myself
Into quiet.
.
How can
My skin
Contain
The living thorns,
Burning nettles,
The hellish dance
Of damned
Wasps stinging,
Fiery welts
Visible only through
Demyelinated nerves?
.
How conceal
The crawling ants,
And fleas biting,
Biting everywhere,
The tiny piranhas
Chewing my legs,
My face, my arms,
And my broken back?
I am clothed
In shimmering
Veils of pain.
.
I brush pain
Through my hair,
Parting grief
And sorrow
To be a silvered
Plait of endurance.
Can this puny neck
Hold such a
Burdensome head?
.
Will my smile
Crack my aged
Screaming mask?
.
From what well may I
Replenish strength?
.
There is a child
Who needs to know
She is wonderfully made.
She needs to know
She is joy to my eyes.
.
It is love
That animates
My creaking body.
.
It is love that
Smoothes my
Frantic grimacing
Into gentle
Smiling serenity.
.
There is a small child
Waiting for
Her happy Granny,
A Granny
Always delighted
To see her.
With dancing eyes,
And sparkling joy,
That laughing,
Strong, cuddly
Granny, full of fun,
Is me,
.
It is love
That replenished
My strength.
It is love that
Puts the sparkle
In my eyes,
And is love
That allows
Me to laugh,
If only for
A little while.
It is enough
To know a small
Child’s smile.
.
.
Bear … 01.13.2015
ⓒBearspawprint2015
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.
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Ugly Ugly Bitter Mad

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Ugly
Ugly
Bitter
Mad
.
Fury at my fate
Selfish selfish
Filled with hate
.
Ugly
Ugly
Bitter
Mad
.
The world gone wrong
Swamp cougar screams
My madness’ beauty song
.
Ugly
Ugly
Bitter
Mad
.
Always more hateful more
Human souls turned inside out
Excruciating tangled gore
.
Ugly
Ugly
Bitter
Mad
.
Death my lover in despair
Jigging leaps wild devil shadows
Drums guide beyond wasted care
.
Ugly
Ugly
Bitter
Mad
.
Bear … 01.04.2015
ⓒBearspawprint2015
.

I Am Not

.
.
What is that
That is eating me
My own nerves
Chewing through
My skin biting
Going out and
Gouging going in
Dis-aesthesia’s
Tattooed arabesque
.
What is
This darkness
That slides
Down the wall
Wilting flowers
Growing mildew
In my books
All words replaced
With landscapes
Confused with corruption
.
Veiled curtains
Rotting as I watch
Do I truly want
To see beyond
Silvered mirrors
Flake away
Revealing reflected
Shadowed faces
Almost unseen
Uncaring of wild
Tangled hair
.
Unnoticed settling
Heavy in my heart
The weary darkness
Bathes me
In rivers of nettles
My body dances
A jigging cramping reel
Spastic leaps
Escaping from myself
Macabre’ stars
I am not
.
Each half thought
Letter by letter
Dragged heavy
With sticky mud
Unwashed dropped
Just outside
In night again
I am not
.
What is gone
Something
There was
Something
That was here
Just before
I flew through
The missing roof
I was here
Balanced comfortable
On the cross beams
.
I am not
.
My self traded
For muddy letters
Discarded
.
I am gone
My body is hollow
A shell of pain
There is no one here
I am not
.
Shall spring arrive
Draped in black
Bees swarming
Eternal night
Hives empty
Black carpenter
Ants constructing
Termite wars
.
Merely
It is that
I am not
In my place
A fire burns
.
.
Bear … 01.04.2015
ⓒBearspawprint2015
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