Hubris of Agawela

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Alone in the cold dark rain of pre-dawn morning,
Agawela mistakenly remembers I loved as hubris.
I loved was all.

Bear …08.21. 2013  Agawela finds moonlight in the swamp

 https://bearspawprint.wordpress.com/2013/08/21/agawela/.
Agawela = Old Woman
__________
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I pretended that I loved would be enough
I pretended that I was so very tough

I pretended that I could bear ill health
I pretended that I had no need for wealth
I pretended that I loved would be enough
I pretended that I was so very tough

I pretended that I didn’t need to eat
I pretended that I could dance on broken feet
I pretended that I loved would be enough
I pretended that I was so very tough

I pretended that I didn’t have much thirst
I pretended that I could always put you first
I pretended that I loved would be enough
I pretended that I was so very tough

I pretended that I could do it all
I pretended that I would never fall
I pretended that I loved would be enough
I pretended that I was so very tough

I pretended that I was of no importance
I pretended that I could maintain my stance
I pretended that I loved would be enough
I pretended that I was so very tough

I pretended that I could work with a broken back
I pretended that I could navigate and tack
I pretended that I loved would be enough
I pretended that I was so very tough

I pretended that I could always carry more
I pretended that I was nothing before
I pretended that I loved would be enough
I pretended that I was so very tough

I pretended that I needed no sleep
I pretended that I had no reasons to weep
I pretended that I loved would be enough
I pretended that I was so very tough

I pretended that I could do without
I pretended that I would not recognize doubt
I pretended that I loved would be enough
I pretended that I was so very tough

I pretended that I projected inner beauty
I pretended that I would never fail in duty
I pretended that I loved would be enough
I pretended that I was so very tough

I pretended that I would always be strong
I pretended that I would never choose wrong
I pretended that I loved would be enough
I pretended that I was so very tough

I pretended that I loved would be enough
I pretended that I was so very tough

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Bear … 03.05.2014
ⓒ Bearspawprint
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17 comments on “Hubris of Agawela

  1. theburningheart says:

    We live in a word of synchronicity, I am just back home from a heated argument with a friend about how we should do anything to avoid death, even if he is old, and somewhat experienced, he wanted to force me to see a world in black and white, and absolutes, and after he left I thought how as humans we idealize such concepts and deny such things as relative, circumstantial, and not absolute, where things most of the time posses many shades of gray.

    We suppose to be good, or evil, right, or wrong, virtuous, or venal, when in truth it all depend on moods, circumstances, and in preconceived ideological answers with little, or no flexibility, when in reality, faced with a problem at a particular time we act with little regard to those ideals based on our true nature, which in many cases has not been tested by the issues at hand.

    Like in matters of life and death, who knows what our reaction would be?.

    Are we gone be heroic, we will react with aplomb like a trained samurai? Or we will coward and cry?

    We will discover from what mettle are we made? Or it could be all circumstantial, and relative to the trial we will face?

    Do we know our true nature, or we will just pretend for the sake of others?

    When I went to visit my mother after a dream where she told me she wanted to be buried near the ancestral tree, I took it like an omen she was about to die, and took a flight next day to see her. On arrival the first thing my sister told me was that my mother had been declared terminally ill by doctors, and she only had a few days to live. Family hided this fact from her in order not to frighten her, but on the subsequent days, mother confided on me she was very tired of living, and she was praying to God to take her, ironically she told me to keep it a secret from the family!

    I understood that sometimes death can be a blessing, not the common assumption that it’s undesirable at all times, and that we would pretend this, or that according to circumstances beyond our desires.

    Like life, and your poem, we pretend that we would…

    Like

    • Some things are black and white, some of the time.

      I have been told by some very old people, living in pain, that they would welcome death. I did not see these people seek out death. They waited patiently.

      I have been told by some even older people living in pain, but not as bothered by it, that they want to see what happens next. Everything is so interesting. They avoid death.

      I have known some younger people living in pain, nothing but pain before and pain on the right and pain on the left and behind and above and below and pain without and all was pain within. These people sought death and embraced death. One was my Mother.

      The hubris of Agawela, myself, is that I thought that if I loved, it would be enough. I did all of the things listed, as I pretended that I was so tough, I did all of that, and no it was not enough that I love. My own love was not enough. Many that I have loved also love me, but there one or two very important persons who do not love me. They love as much as they are capable of loving, but I in my hubris thought that if I poured all of this sacrifice and care and love into the black hole of their souls that I
      (foolish I) would fill them and they would love me and the world and everything .

      Oops. Wrong. They sorta almost love me back. They really do like the attention. My mistake. 🙂

      But I ain’t dead yet, and there is much in this world that has beauty. And there is still some fun to be had, and work to be done, and I am not embracing death today, even though my back does hurt. And the rest of me, too. 🙂

      Who is the bald-headed-wooden-tree-guy next to the fellow who still has some hair on top?

      Like

  2. Nomzi Kumalo says:

    Absolutely well put Bear. I was wondering howcome this did not appear in my read feed and I now see that this was out last year. It is so moving and oh so universal. Do people living in rural areas all over the world spend so much time pretending? Somehow I don’t think they have the opportunity. Do you think they have less regret? Regret is seriously global perhaps. You have inspired me to write about regret. Thank you Bear. Anyhow, the sun is out here. It is perfect. 🙂

    Like

    • The drawing was last year, the poem at the beginning of this month.

      I am rural. 🙂 It was hubris to think that I could give and give and give without my own essential needs being met. It was hubris to think that my own outpouring of love would be enough to sustain me. It is not enough for my body.

      Hooray for sunshine!! Rainy here last couple of days and nights … more of it now and for a while.

      Like

      • Nomzi Kumalo says:

        I see. Rural is the best. 🙂 Hubris. Sounds like a name of a plant. Yes it really takes some time to understand how to really give.
        Today was the first warm and sunny day. Not a glove in sight. A gorgeous day. Oh please let tomorrow be the same. Is it usually raining so much at this time of the year where you live? 🙂

        Like

        • I live about 30 miles North West of Jacksonville, Florida or 10 miles West North West of Callahan, Florida on the St. Mary’s River.

          Rain here, too. Need the rain or we get fires in May and June. But a nice balance of sunny days is most pleasant. 🙂

          Like

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