I created my own inner mother when I was a teen, and I pictured her holding my sad inner child, and teenaged me. I pictured her love and support, and I rejected the cold words of a stepmother who was deeply unhappy herself. I don’t still hear them in my head most of the time. I hope you can let these words go. Forgive your mother for being less than you needed and deserved. Forgive yourself for being hurt by her. Hold yourself close with the love you deserve to feel. Your inner mother can never be taken from you, and she always knows what you need.
I wrote this little bit when I was 14 or 15 or so, almost 50 years ago. I knew what my Mother was doing to me. It is a long and complicated many generations long story, as all such family stories are. But I determined the cycle would stop with me, when I was 7. I just had to get big enough.—- So I did what I could and made it all legal when I could —– I went to court and took custody of my little sister when she was 11, I was 22 —-Without prosecuting Mother. —- She even lived with me (us) off and on for the rest of her life. Which was only 5 more years.—–
Actually my miserable, terrible, and yet beautiful Mother was exactly what I needed to become strong enough to cope with some of the other (word?) things that this life has dished out. —–
Forgive myself for being hurt. Yes, that I do still work with/on. I do still curse myself for being vulnerable, then and even now. Yet at the same time I’m grateful to be gifted with this humanly shared vulnerability. I do resent that I should be required to forgive myself for being hurt. You are right I do need to work of that. Phooey.—-
I did let the words go. I posted them. Been hanging on to that scrap of paper tucked in an old notebook of other bits for a long time. Was going to rework it, but it was just right as it was. Or maybe I use it some other way later. Dunno. For the moment its purged with a post. —
Thank you for your gentle sharing. — Bear
I still work on viewing myself as a phoenix rather than a bird with a broken wing. I prefer to think I came through the fire stronger. You sound like a phoenix, too. So wonderful of you to have rescued your sister, and then provided support to your mother. Your heart is big enough to change the world. I’m glad the post was cathartic. I watched the TED talk on vulnerability. Seems to be essential to happiness. Still mulling it over.
Are you admonishing me or my Mother? —- I wrote this little bit when I was 14 or 15 or so. I knew what my Mother was doing to me. It is a long and complicated many generations long story, as all such family stories are. But I determined the cycle would stop with me, when I was 7. I just had to get big enough.—- So I did what I could and made it all legal when I could —– I went to court and took custody of my little sister when she was 11, I was 22 Without prosecuting Mother——- I just cut a huge essay from here and stuck it in an email drafts folder — Gotta do somethin’ different here, I, similar to you, have a back with attention deficit. Another long complicated story that over laps and changes everything.——- I’m shocked at the young people who have responded, outside of the blog, to this. As if they know a young person wrote it. Our generation was not supposed to do this sort of thing. We know better.. Woops train of thought again …. I love how you are able to condense down to the essence and still keep the integrity of what you write. Thank you. — Bear
I was certainly not admonishing you … your mother well lets not go there ! You did the right thing and God knows it would not of been easy. Maybe I was too, to the point. I always think it is not the age of the writer but what they are saying that draws in the reader. That said I see what you mean about the younger people being drawn in … they empathize as I do do. God bless you , xx 🙂
bearspawprint 
I created my own inner mother when I was a teen, and I pictured her holding my sad inner child, and teenaged me. I pictured her love and support, and I rejected the cold words of a stepmother who was deeply unhappy herself. I don’t still hear them in my head most of the time. I hope you can let these words go. Forgive your mother for being less than you needed and deserved. Forgive yourself for being hurt by her. Hold yourself close with the love you deserve to feel. Your inner mother can never be taken from you, and she always knows what you need.
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I wrote this little bit when I was 14 or 15 or so, almost 50 years ago. I knew what my Mother was doing to me. It is a long and complicated many generations long story, as all such family stories are. But I determined the cycle would stop with me, when I was 7. I just had to get big enough.—- So I did what I could and made it all legal when I could —– I went to court and took custody of my little sister when she was 11, I was 22 —-Without prosecuting Mother. —- She even lived with me (us) off and on for the rest of her life. Which was only 5 more years.—–
Actually my miserable, terrible, and yet beautiful Mother was exactly what I needed to become strong enough to cope with some of the other (word?) things that this life has dished out. —–
Forgive myself for being hurt. Yes, that I do still work with/on. I do still curse myself for being vulnerable, then and even now. Yet at the same time I’m grateful to be gifted with this humanly shared vulnerability. I do resent that I should be required to forgive myself for being hurt. You are right I do need to work of that. Phooey.—-
I did let the words go. I posted them. Been hanging on to that scrap of paper tucked in an old notebook of other bits for a long time. Was going to rework it, but it was just right as it was. Or maybe I use it some other way later. Dunno. For the moment its purged with a post. —
Thank you for your gentle sharing. — Bear
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I still work on viewing myself as a phoenix rather than a bird with a broken wing. I prefer to think I came through the fire stronger. You sound like a phoenix, too. So wonderful of you to have rescued your sister, and then provided support to your mother. Your heart is big enough to change the world. I’m glad the post was cathartic. I watched the TED talk on vulnerability. Seems to be essential to happiness. Still mulling it over.
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Thank you for all that you have done. I don’t think we have a choice about being vulnerable. That is what feeling is.
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Beauty is only skin deep and ugly is as ugly does!!
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Are you admonishing me or my Mother? —- I wrote this little bit when I was 14 or 15 or so. I knew what my Mother was doing to me. It is a long and complicated many generations long story, as all such family stories are. But I determined the cycle would stop with me, when I was 7. I just had to get big enough.—- So I did what I could and made it all legal when I could —– I went to court and took custody of my little sister when she was 11, I was 22 Without prosecuting Mother——- I just cut a huge essay from here and stuck it in an email drafts folder — Gotta do somethin’ different here, I, similar to you, have a back with attention deficit. Another long complicated story that over laps and changes everything.——- I’m shocked at the young people who have responded, outside of the blog, to this. As if they know a young person wrote it. Our generation was not supposed to do this sort of thing. We know better.. Woops train of thought again …. I love how you are able to condense down to the essence and still keep the integrity of what you write. Thank you. — Bear
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I was certainly not admonishing you … your mother well lets not go there ! You did the right thing and God knows it would not of been easy. Maybe I was too, to the point. I always think it is not the age of the writer but what they are saying that draws in the reader. That said I see what you mean about the younger people being drawn in … they empathize as I do do. God bless you , xx 🙂
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May God bless you and keep you. May He lift up His Face to shine upon you and give you peace.
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